do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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