That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
