the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's rum buckets o'clock
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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