Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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