i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sext me about skeletons
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
