the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
