she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
