My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
why is half of my head shaved?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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