just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
