i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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