So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
