i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
