my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize