Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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