I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize