I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
