How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
