I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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