I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
