my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I will pee on everything he values.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
