I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
