i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
worst night to have a conscience
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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