I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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