dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
