I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
