Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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