i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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