Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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