Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
