I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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