Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
