My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
