i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
