and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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