I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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