what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
