Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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