Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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