I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
