we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
