I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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