Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
