I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
