haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She bit a glass in half.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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