Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
