just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
