so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
