I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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