In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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