Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
