she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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