this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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