from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
