Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
well, you know. whores of a feather.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
