I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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