Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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