im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
