I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just cut my nipple shaving
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
