just survived the first fart of the relationship.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just high enough for therapy.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
