I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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