Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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