If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
