And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
